Faithfulness in the small things

Hi folks!

February was always my least favorite month... what with the the grey skies, the rotten confused rain/snow/sleet weather, the beginning of Lent (one must admit it can be a little depressing), and Valentine's Day (such a ridiculous holiday). So you might be feeling a little discouraged yourself. My pastor said the way forward from disappointment or discouragement is faithfulness in the small things. Sometimes we are discouraged because we have a longing to do great things; and yet we're stuck in the mundane - washing laundry, doing roommate's dishes, homework, working at a job we're overqualified for, working at a job we don't absolutely love... etc. Sometimes we're not even sure why we're doing what we're doing.

As Mother Theresa said, "We can do no great things, only small things with great love...When done with love and compassion, those small things are transformed into something wonderful, priceless, and intangible." 

As verified in the Parable of the Talents, the Lord will give us more after we have proven that we are responsible for what we have now. It is faithfulness in the small things that builds are character. When I got a new car, I lost my parking stickers, which meant I could park in any hospital lot without getting ticketed. There's really nothing wrong with parking in the ER lot, except I could be taking a closer spot that would benefit a patient. However, I only park there for my convenience, so I don't have to walk in the cold. For Lent, I've given up doing the easy thing, and pledged to park only on the street even when I'm running late, or it's sleeting. It's actually been very refreshing. I get a chance to listen to uplifting music and the walking wakes up my blood. When we choose not to cut the little corners, but do everything with as much integrity as possible, it strengthens us to endure greater trials. Sometimes I'm struck by the ridiculous possibility that I'll be stuck in the South Pole and glad for the little extra strength walking to work in the cold gave me.

Charles Spurgeon writes,
Zechariah 4:9 Who dares despise the day of small things...

"It is usually God's way to begin his great works with a day of small things- · Thus it is seen that there is nothing in the means themselves. · Thus the divine power is more fully displayed. · Thus faith is exercised, and made to learn many lessons. Why should men despise what God ordains?"

So take heart, if you feel like you're slogging through the nitty-gritty. God sees all things. Do your chores and job with extra compassion. He delights in your faithfulness. And enjoy the trials of unexpected troubles - knowing that it will fortify your character.

Love, Katie

Heartburn... er Love

Dear friends,

As I'm experiencing extreme heartburn for the first time in my life (darn Zoloft!) and can't sleep, I will share some thoughts. I'm deep in the weeds of midterms; and having four major things due by Friday is putting some pressure on me. (I'm begining to wonder if I'm going to end up like Pancake - my friend's flat African clawed frog).



So, this morning, I woke up in quite a panic to get started with my day and my work. Being myself, I immediately thought of a quote that's been percolating around in my community. "All your wishes and hopes for the day rush at you like wild animals. And the first job each morning consists simply in shoving them back; in listening to that other voice, taking that other point of view, letting that other larger, stronger, quieter life come flowing in." C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity. As I took out my computer and started to compile the 50 things I was thankful for, I kept getting derailed thinking "I need to be doing homework! I can't think of anything I'm thankful for until I get these projects and tests done!" But the still small voice that hadn't quite gotten drowned out said, "Finish this first, and I will bless your work". At number 42, I was struck with the sudden realization that when God looks at me, he loves me... absolutely delights in me; and he would love to tell me so if I would just listen.

My message to you today is this: God loves you with an always love. He loves with a powerful love that can raise life in the dead and create galaxies from nothing. He loves you with a love that may burn away your flaws in a painful manner because He does not want you to be anything less than the best person He intended you to be. You are His masterpiece; and He delights in your many hues, gifts, quirks, etc. If you would only take the time to look into His eyes, you might see the love shining back at you. When you are able to appreciate the good in yourself by looking through God's eyes, then you will be able to love others in the same manner. Do not be afraid to love yourself. Know that in loving yourself, you are loving another part of God's good creation - just as you would love a sunset or a starry night or a golden retriever puppy, or an ice cream cone on a hot summer day. May you know the Lord's burning, all-consuming love for you.

Love,
Katie

The Abundance of Integrity

Hi friends!

I dearly love Sundays. Today is no exception. My church causes delight to well up out of me; and I always leave feeling soul-fed. In this week's sermon, my pastor said that integrity equals wholeness. I was quite blown away. I've always thought of integrity as honesty, but it's so much more. I made a note to look it up in my concordance (of course), and came up with this...

Tom (tome)- completeness; figuratively prosperity... full, perfection.

The truth is - that because our brokenness - there are dead places in us. And if we don't fill them with the Lord, we end up filling them with things that are less good for us - like tv shows, choice gossip, pornography or masturbation, romance books, shopping, video games, binge eating, alcohol, cleaning, even service or acclaimation. I mean... no one wants to feel dead. (I think the movie Warm Bodies illustrates this point well... hehe). Often preachers tell us we need to try harder. "God is good. You're bad. Try harder" But trying harder doesn't make one alive... only the Holy Spirit can bring about new life-breath-spirit. The only way we can receive true life, joy, and adventure, is to receive it from God. When we have the sense that God is with us and that He is enough - then the other things become less enticing. We are to be holy as God is holy - not in the sense of perfection - but in wholeness - completely full with truly meaningful things that diminsh these material things.

I've had the image of a sunflower with its head raised to the sun. The Lord says that He wants me to raise my face to him likewise and receive his energy and life. All I need to do is face Him. I don't need to try harder, to accomplish more, to be the most beautiful sunflower - I simply need to look upon his brightness and be filled to the fullness. Truly glorious.

Patience/Perseverance

Hullo folks,

I've been low on sleep and discouraged in general (which happens when I get low on sleep), but I've decided to write a quick note anyway... my apologies if isn't particularly coherant. I've been dwelling a lot on perseverance, since the last note touched on its qualities. Also, Lent kind of exudes the virtue... as discipline requires constancy. Hupomone (hoop-om-on-ay) lol... is the Greek word for patience which is a common KJV translation of perseverance. It is a cheerful (or hopeful) endurance, constancy - patient continuance or waiting. It literally means "an abiding under". It usually is rendered as a patience which grows only in trials. In addition, hupomone is opposed to cowardice or despondency.

Confession: I allowed myself to be carted away in merriment until 1 a.m. on a day I had to work... which resulted in me getting 4 hours of sleep. Although this is a truly idiodic move on my behalf; I am rather grateful for it, because it allowed me to encounter trials. The "grumbly" and self-destructive voices that I thought I could put away with exercise and thankfulness immediately appeared after a night of inadequate sleep. I felt annoyed by my roommates, left out, lonely, undesirable etc. At first, I was super discouraged. I wondered how I could have slipped back into old habits. Then I realized, this was a great opportunity to practice endurance and faithfulness. This morning it took me TWO HOURS to come up with my 50 things I was thankful for, but I patiently continued my Lenten practice. I was far from cheerful, but I realized that patience doesn't really grow without challange. One hardly feels the need for endurance when everything is going well and one is happy and content. It's quite another thing to be cheerful and hopeful when you feel like you aren't making a difference in the world, like no one listens to you, like your roommate's habits are going to drive you insane, like the chores never get done, like your old friends never call you... etc. You name it. So, hupomone is opposed to despondance, because it doesn't allow us to wallow in the wrongs of the world or our trials. Instead, we can see that the daily difficulties, bad traffic, extra homework, etc. are opportunities for the Holy Spirit to increase the strength of our thanksgiving and trust in God's goodness.

I also appreciate that the definition implies that patience requires courage. One has to forge forward with boldness. It's not simply a passive "I'll wait 20 minutes for you to get out of the bathroom". It's an active "Even though I want someone to take care of me, I'm going to take care of them. I'm going to take out the trash for the hundredth time without complaining. I'm going to keep writing in this blog whether people read it or not. I'm going to speak the truth even though it might get me shunned" etc. It's a very matter of fact virtue. I was thinking of the passage where Jesus says when we have done everything we were told to do...we are to say, "we are unworthy servants, we have only done our duty" Luke 17:10. Perseverance should not be a flashy virtue - one where we say, look how consistent I am in my fasting and almsgiving! It is simply what is required of us to become more like Christ - who endured all things that we might have life.

Amen. Katie

Hello Humility!

Hi folks!

I said in the beginning I wanted this to be a joint endeavor. I don't want you to feel like I'm just "talking at you". I love knowing the inner workings of people. So please, feel free to chime in. I'm not looking for comments to know that you are reading this... but for comments so we can support each other! For a long time, humility was an elusive virtue I sought, then I read Screwtape Letters. It changed my life completely. Now I put forth all that I have with pride and joy... not for myself, but for its own goodness. It is really quite a miracle that I am able to write this blog without worrying about whether it will become a self-centered thing. I desire people to see it for what it is... a longing for more of God and for connection with others. I know it is a good thing and hope it will serve you as well as the beauty of a sunset or a haunting melody (I'm listening to Of Monsters and Men right now!)

Much love,
Katie

"You must therefore conceal from the patient the true end of Humility. Let him think of it not as self-forgetfulness but as a certain kind of opinion (namely, a low opinion) of his own talents and character. Some talents, I gather, he really has. Fix in his mind the idea that humility consists in trying to believe those talents to be less valuable than he believes them to be. No doubt they are in fact less valuable than he believes, but that is not the point. The great thing is to make him value an opinion for some quality other than truth, thus introducing an element of dishonesty and make-believe into the heart of what otherwise threatens to become a virtue. By this method thousands of humans have been brought to think that humility means pretty women trying to believe they are ugly and clever men trying to believe they are fools. And since what they are trying to believe may, in some cases, be manifest nonsense, they cannot succeed in believing it and we have the chance of keeping their minds endlessly revolving on themselves in an effort to achieve the impossible. To anticipate the Enemy's strategy, we must consider His aims. The Enemy wants to bring the man to a state of mind in which he could design the best cathedral in the world, and know it to be the best, and rejoice in the, fact, without being any more (or less) or otherwise glad at having done it than he would be if it had been done by another.

The Enemy wants him, in the end, to be so free from any bias in his own favor that he can rejoice in his own talents as frankly and gratefully as in his neighbor’s talents—or in a sunrise, an elephant, or a waterfall.

He wants each man, in the long run, to be able to recognize all creatures (even himself) as glorious and excellent things. He wants to kill their animal self-love as soon as possible; but it is His long term policy, I fear, to restore to them a new kind of self-love—a charity and gratitude for all selves, including their own; when they have really learned to love their neighbors as themselves, they will be allowed to love themselves as their neighbors.

For we must never forget what is the most repellent and inexplicable trait in our Enemy; He really loves the hairless bipeds He has created and always gives back to them with His right hand what He has taken away with His left."

 

C.S. Lewis Screwtape Letters

HOPE

Dear peeps,

On this blustery day, I think it is quite appropriate to scale the topic of hope. This is a meditation I constantly wrestle with. In fact, I woke up this morning in a daze, struggled to come up with my 50 things I'm thankful for, and wondered how I was going to get on with the day. Hope is a full-bodied word with many connotations; and to me, hope always gives rise to fear because it involves risk. To hope, one must be willing to face disappointment. In "Dark Knight Rises", Bane tells Batman "there can be no true despair without hope". Sometimes I think it is true, as Keats writes that disappointment is the parent of despair. Even scripture reveals "Hope deferred makes the heart sick..." (Proverbs 13:12). So it is quite tempting to protect your heart from disappointment by never hoping, longing, or dreaming; BUT as C.S. Lewis says, "in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it (your heart) will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenatrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least the risk of tragedy, is damnation".

I think one secret to hope is two practices that I'm quite lousy at... patience and endurance. Hope always requires waiting.

Yachal - to wait, to be patient, trust

Elpis - "favorable and confident expectation. a forward look with assurance... Hope is a factor in endurance; it finds it's expression in endurance under trial, which is the effect of waiting for the coming of Christ. It is "an anchor of the soul" staying it amidst the storms of this life... The phrase "full assurance of hope" expresses the completeness of its activity in the soul.

 The other secret to hope is to remember what to place it in... or rather WHOM to place it in. If God is truly the source of all good, then we really risk no disappointment if we put our hope, our confidence, and our trust in Him. Patience and endurance are the tools that help us shove off despair or disappointment. The longer we wait patiently for God to work, the more we will truly see the fruit of what He is doing. Sometimes it takes 40 years in the Wilderness to get to the promised land. So, are you willing to risk it? Are you willing to open up your heart and dream again? Are you willing to hope your longings will be fulfilled? Because when they are... it is a tree of life (the end of Proverbs 13:12)

"Hope" is the thing with feathers—
That perches in the soul—
And sings the tune without the words—
And never stops—at all—
Emily Dickinson

Should Disappointment, parent of Despair,
Strive for her son to seize my careless heart;
When, like a cloud, he sits upon the air,
Preparing on his spell-bound prey to dart:
Chase him away, sweet Hope, with visage bright,
And fright him as the morning frightens night!
John Keats

The Joy of Sabbath

Dear folks,

As we finish up the celebrations of Sabbath and head back into the self-denial of the weekday, I think it is good to mark two things. I will use my favorite author C.S. Lewis's words, for he says thing so much more eloquently than I.

"If there lurks in most modern minds the notion that to desire our own good and earnestly to hope for the enjoyment of it is a bad thing, I submit that this notion has crept in from Kant and the Stoics and is no part of the Christian faith." (italics added)

"In a sense the central story of my life is about nothing else... it is that of an unsatisfied desire which is itself more desirable than any other satisfaction. I call it Joy, which is here a technical term and must be sharply distinguished both from Happiness and from Pleasure. Joy (in my sense) has indeed one characteristic, and one only, in common with them; the fact that anyone who has experienced it will want it again. Apart from that...it might almost equally well be called a particular kind of unhappiness or grief. But it is a kind we want... Joy is distinct not only from pleausre in general, but even from aesthetic pleasure. It must have the stab, the pang, the inconsolable longing." (italics added)

Samach (Joy) - to brighten up, be blithe or gleesome. Samach usually refers to a spontaneous emotion or extreme happiness which is expressed in some visible manner. It does not normally represent an abiding state of well-being or feeling.
Kacaph (Longing)- means "to long for" in the sense of "to be pale by reason of longing"

The first quote is to say: it is ok to want what is good and enjoy it. We do NOT practice self-denial or sacrifice in order to be miserable. We practice it to give more room for God to work in us. And though we give something up, we must not let it stay empty - or Satan will come back to fill it with something even worse (see the parable of the unclean spirit Luke 11:24). If you have given up some kind of meal or entertainment, it can be helpful to fill it with time spent losing yourself in a project you enjoy or praying for others. Or if you have given up gossip or complaining, it is delightful to spend it coming up with things you are thankful for or thinking up genuine compliments for others.


The second quote reveals that though we don't fast in order to be miserable, it often can produce a kind of "almost" misery. Fasting in whatever manner we have chosen, produces a hunger or desire within us. Most people who give up certain foods or all food for a time find themselves completely swamped with longing for food. In fact, they can't keep their minds from it. This is not something to despair at, but to rejoice in. Although we don't want to be obsessed with food forever, it reminds us of a deeper obsession for what is unseen. All of us long for something more. Sometimes we think we find it in people, music, beauty, experiences, places etc, but we always find ourselves disappointed on returning to whatever we thought the source of our joy and satisfaction was. This only proves we were created for another place. So our physical hunger causes stabs and pangs which mirror and remind us of the often painful longing for God's kingdom to come with all its wellness and wholeness. 

So I hope you enjoyed the goodness and fatness of Sunday reprieve (if you choose to give yourself that reprieve... which I think is wise), and take heart as you face the next week!

Love,
Katie

Good Morning Grace!

Dearly beloved,

Before we get any further into Lent, I want to do a little meditation on grace. Being a perfectionist and a passionate person often makes Lent a little fatal for my spiritual life. I've been learning about being a highly sensitive person (there is such a thing... and it's related to genetics!). One way I protect myself as an HSP, is to choose not to compete. Most of us know that Lent is NOT a competition, but let me just say... it can easily become one. (Understatement of the year!) I remember one year when Lent was a competition of holiness in my mind; and I simply rebelled and watched 6 seasons of Bones to drown out the misery of not being as "holy" as my roommate who was eating lentils and little else. (One has to laugh outloud at that sentence). And if it's not a competition with someone else, it can easily become a competition with yourself. If you're not tempted to trumpet what you're giving up, then you're probably tempted to make Lent into a self-improvement project. Note: We cannot make ourselves holy.

Charis: God's tender sense of our misery displays itself in his efforts to lessen and entirely remove it - efforts that are hindered and defeated only by man's continued perverseness. Grace removes guilt.

So, in short, if you find yourself feeling guilty during Lent... whether
a) you feel you aren't giving up enough
b) you feel you HAVE to give something up
c) you gave something up, forgot, and engaged in it

STOP RIGHT THERE! Have a little grace for yourself. You notice that yesterday I did not post. Yesterday I was exhausted. At work, I got so stressed and frustrated, I grumbled (something I've been trying not to do) and kicked a chair... lol. After I kicked the chair, I was like "What kind of impression are you making on your student? (I have a student nurse I'm preceptoring). I told myself "When the going gets rough, you promised yourself you would be calm! YOU'RE NOT CALM". To which myself replied "HOW CAN I POSSIBLY BE CALM with four patients on my own, four turns, two egks to read, two neuro/peripheral vascular checks, insulin to give, blood vitals - oh and by the way the patient has a fever... did this occur before or after starting the blood?, doc's not calling me back, patient in pain and pca pump not coming up ALL IN AN HOUR?" (Don't you love arguments with yourself?) Then I sat down and realized that everything I was worried about, was not going to be fixed by my stress, so I simply gave up. The worst that could happen was I would stay late and fix my mistakes. It was great after that, but the temptation to kick myself (not the chair!) for being stressed for the greater part of the afternoon was severe. But I honestly said, "Self! Be joyful, this is a great time to have a little grace for yourself. Now you're better equipped to stay calm the next time" Then at 11 o'clock I pondered writing about this, but I thought to myself, "You need to have more grace for yourself and not make this blog into a "post every day" legalism! Go to sleep!

So here I am... good morning grace :)

Grace and the resulting peace be upon you
Katie

St. Valentine Sacrifice

Night folks,

Very briefly, I've always wondered at the celebration of St. Valentine who died bloodily beheaded. We've turned it into chocolate and comforting Hallmark cards, but really; true love looks more like martyrdom. My nerdy word illumination today was on sacrifice...

Zabach: blood sacrifice - "blood contains the life" and "since the blood was the vehicle of life, it belonged to God alone"

Zebach: to slay an animal "The pious Israelite would be impressed that sin brought death into the world, and that he himself had sinned..... Through his sacrifice would be a) a strong call to righteousness b) to obedience, c) to joy, and d) to mercy. Where the sacrifice had not this spirit, it lost all its value and significance." Strong's Expanded Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible

As we enter into Lent, sacrifice often connotates work, toil, and even pain. It may feel like we're dying as we deny ourselves food, comfort, entertainment etc. But though we are giving up seemingly life-giving things, in truth we are gaining a better life. At Calvin chapel, Pastor Mary made the point that no one jumps into the sem pond in February with the intent to stay in it; the goal is always to GET OUT! In the same way, we offer our livelihoods to Christ, not to be miserable or wallow in our humanity - but to rise to new life. When we surrender small areas of what we think gives us life, God has more room to fill us with his definition and blessing of wellness and wholeness which is much better than what we can think up for ourselves!

At our Calvin UCO meeting tonight, Romans 12:1 was brought up.  "Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship." Being a living sacrifice is living the paradox of Christianity - to die is to live. To sacrifice and surrender is to gain. And with the new life of the Holy Spirit, we are called to righteousnss, obedience, joy, and mercy. Lent is a call to deeper worship - deeper obedience, deeper life in Christ, deeper JOY!

May God bless you richly in your sacrifices. May you find him to be the Source of Life and Joy.
Katie

Non-Negotiable: Steadfast

Hello friends,

For Lent, I'm trying to do a bit of a word study. As Christians, not only do we throw around buzz words that have no meaning to non-Christians, but sometimes we don't know their full meaning either. (Secretly I'm an English nerd in nurse's clothing). As we come into Lent, we are called to repentance, self-denial, almsgiving etc. I'll do word studies on these in due time, but these are not easy things to do. Recently, as I've been struggling with depression, I've come to the realization you have to put your foot down and make some things non-negotiable. It may seem really obvious to you, but resorting to self-harm is simply not an option. Also, for the stability of my mental health - regular exercise is non-negotiable. Without realizing it, we often prioritize things on a basis of what is most comfortable, easy, or what we want. However, sometimes what is best for us does not include any of those things. So Lent is a time to reprioritize what must absolutely be done in the day. That's why we practice fasting from certain things - we are trying to leave behind that which has gotten in the way of what is most important - spending time with God.

Because this is so hard for me (believe me, I struggle with sloth and discipline), I have found it helpful to view my Lenten fasting and almgiving as non-negotiable. For example, every day I'm going to wake up and write down 50 things I'm thankful for. Not getting to bed on time in order to wake up to do this is not an option. Sure it may happen, but then I'm still going to get up on less sleep and be thankful. What does this have to do with steadfastness? Well, in Luke 9:51, Jesus "steadfastly set his face to Jerusalem". This is a potent little verse which needs the enlightening context that in going to Jerusalem, Jesus knew he was going to the cross.... which is certainly not comfortable, easy, and not what he wanted. So, we also are patterning ourselves after Jesus. In my concordance, steadfast is defined as "to turn resolutely in a certain direction, to set fast, to establish, to confirm" When we live out the discipline of non-negotiability, we set our faces to our own crosses, to the Lord on whom we depend, and to establishing new life-giving habits. In my mind, non-negotiaion is steadfastness. It is being resolute in the face of temptation. It is being set fast to do what is good and right and true. It is the strength through the Holy Spirit, to go beyond our comfort zone.


I pray you will learn more about the Lord's steadfast love.
Katie

Fat Tuesday Celebrations

Good morning folks!

I love people and I love prayer. So this a people/prayer meeting via the internet. I am thankful the internet allows us to stay in contact from far and near. So grab your punchkeys... (couldn't spell Polish if the maffia had a gun to my head) and start by taking some time to be thankful. During Lent, I'm committed to waking up in the morning and coming up with 50 things for which I'm grateful before the day has started. Today's list included coffee, smart wool socks, first world problems, the internet, amaryllis, crazy hair and embroidery. Thanksgiving slows us down and gives us time to absorb the details in the world. I never realized how lovely embroidery was until I read about it being banned for its beauty (in a work of fiction); and I never would have thought of it as something to be thankful for until I thought about how it can be a work of love to produce something so time consuming and beautiful. Thanksgiving protects us from discontent by reminding us of God's goodness.

Lent is a time often misunderstood and misused. In my life, I want to use it as a time to offer myself more fully to the Lord, but since this is a thing I should always be doing, I can understand why my mother never cared to celebrate it. Traditionally, (and you can contradict or add to what I write), I believe Lent was a time for people to prepare their hearts for Easter through prayer, penitance, and self-denial. In some ways, it mirrors Jesus temptation in the desert for 40 days. Truthfully, I agree with my mom and don't think there should be any time we are not praying, practicing self-denial, and repenting, but I appreciate Lent because we need reminders. Jesus gave us the sacrement of communion before he went to the cross because he knew humans struggle with spiritual dimensia. Therefore, I am eager to grab Lent by the horns (mixed metaphors here) and dive "further up and further in" to life in Christ!

As I considered this year's Lent, I found myself hungry to also grow in community. The church is a body - we need eachother to grow stronger. I don't want to experience Lent alone. So I'm creating this blog, as a form of mutual Lenten encouragement. I offer it as a way to share our experiences - how we are drawing nearer to God (or finding that He is drawing us to Him... because sometimes we cannot carry our sorry selves anywhere, but thanks God be if we have willing hearts, He will do the work). If you do post, I gently suggest beginning with what you are thankful for and then sharing whatever is on your heart.

Love,
Katie